By Madeleine Kelly -

A parent’s bipolar disorder can be frightening and overwhelming to children, who are often left to figure out for themselves how to cope with their scary parent.

Parents who have bipolar disorder typically worry about the effect of the illness on their kids, but there is little information available about how to reduce the impact.

It’s doubly difficult because bipolar disorder is an inherent, built-in part of you as the child’s parent.

Here are some ways we can help children cope with our bipolar disorder and grow up normally.

Drip-feed      information in small dollops on demand. Keep updating your explanation as      the years go by and the children’s understanding increases, as you may do      with sex education.

Answer      questions openly in a way that invites further questions. Answer the      question and do it truthfully,      fully and honestly. Then be prepared to answer any follow-up questions.      Eventually you will get a look that says ‘enough info for now, thanks.’ Let      the child determine the end of the conversation.

Avoid      lectures, where you talk and the child listens. Use everyday occurrences      as opportunities to make brief comments on the run. This technique reduces      bipolar disorder to a normal everyday matter-of-fact thing.

Give      bipolar a nickname. In my workshops for bipolar sufferers and their supporters I      run a fun exercise where we all think of a nickname for our bipolar      disorder. Calling it ‘Bertha’ or ‘Gerry’ allows us to separate ourselves      from our ill-selves, and even laugh at it. That’s an important activity      for children, too. Find out from your child if they have a nickname for      it, or encourage them to think of one. Ask them to tell you or another trusted adult  when they see Bertha or      Gerry arrive!

Have      fun with your children: plain, no-cost play time together.  Tell the children their job is to have fun, and not to be concerned about you.

Expect      to have to change. As children grow and their capacity for understanding increases, they will tend to make requests of you.  Negotiate this as you would with an adult, and if you can make a change in your behavior, try to do so.

Set aside      your own embarrassment or shame so you can talk frankly about your      behavior when you are ill. The easiest way to do this is with the      nickname: you can say ‘It wasn’t me, Bertha did it,!’ After all, when you      were ill you were ‘not yourself’. (That is not to say you’re not responsible      for doing your best to stay well!)

Apologies      for your behavior when ill are not necessary. Instead, say you wish it      hadn’t happened, and focus on what the child observed and felt during that      time.

Allow      the children to see the best of you. Children do what parents do, not necessarily      what they say. You have to agree that sometimes bipolar behavior is not the      type of role model you want for your kids. You can model responsibility, healthy      self-criticism, admitting your own shortcomings, determination to live      well, and refusal to admit defeat. From your example, your children will      learn how to overcome setbacks in their own lives.

Finally,      if your bipolar is causing you to act as a parent in ways that you do not      approve of then seek assistance from professionals who understand and      accept bipolar as an entity. Your doctor or psychiatrist, for example,      rather than social workers and psychologists who may not be educated about      mental illness.

We all want the best for our children, but it’s important to recognize that all children are impacted upon by events beyond their parents’ control. Don’t waste time grieving about something you can’t change – just enjoy your children while they grow.

Madeleine Kelly is the award-winning author of Bipolar and the Art of Roller-coaster Riding available at http://beatbipolar.com She has written The Rainbow Angels, a story helping to explain bipolar disorder to children, available at http://twotreesmedia.com/explain_bipolar_to_children.htm

More information about parenting with bipolar disorder can be found at http://twotreesmedia.com/parents_with_bipolar.htm

(c) Madeleine Kelly. All rights reserved world-wide.

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